Wednesday, November 11, 2009

I'm Tired

I am.

I think I have handled this deployment beautifully. I've kept things running, unpacked our entire house (except for those last three boxes that I just can't make myself care about), learned my way around the island, homeschooled the kids, and handled every crises that has come up, including having the car break down twice in the space of a month back in February. I have been relentlessly upbeat, I have not complained, I have accepted the situation and continued on with my life because, honestly, what choice do I have? I could whine and cry, but it wouldn't change the fact that my husband is deployed for a year and I have three kids who need two parents and I am both right now.

But I'm tired. I'm tired of being the only one who can drive. I'm tired of planning meals and shopping for groceries and teaching three different grade levels. I'm tired of sweeping and laundry and dishes and dog hair. I'm tired of being exhausted all day and unable to fall asleep at night. I'm mentally and physically drained all the time.

Saturday night I came home late. It was dark and rainy and I was frustrated and tired. I parked in front of the house and sat there a minute just to have some quiet time. When I decided to come inside, the keys wouldn't come out of the ignition. This is a common problem for our car. It doesn't like to let go of the keys. I've learned that if I just restart the car and then turn it off again, the keys will slide right out on the second try. So, when the keys wouldn't come out, I immediately tried to crank the car again.


The engine wouldn't turn over. It made no noise other than the click. And the keys still wouldn't come out.


I tried over and over and over. The car wouldn't crank. The keys wouldn't come out of the ignition.

I figured I could take the house key off my key ring and let myself in the house. But my mind was racing ahead to the next morning. I was scheduled to work with the two and three year-old kids at church. I would have to get hold of someone at church and let them know I couldn't get there. And I would have to call a tow truck to see if they would come haul my car in on a Sunday and I was calculating how much money this new development would cost me.

But the first order of business was to cry.

I sat in the car and cried and cried and cried. And the entire time, I kept trying to crank the car or get the keys out.

And I prayed. I prayed for patience and for wisdom and for this not to cost too much.

When finally the well was dry, I gathered up my purse and started to take the house key off the ring so I could get inside. Then I realized I hadn't put the car in park.........

I put it in park, cranked it up, turned it off, pulled the keys out and went inside with my prayers answered.



  1. Funny how Veterans day forgets the spouses, huh? You have done wonderfully and I am so thankful for people with your spirit. I follow your cute blog daily. I love seeing your pics of Hawaii and your humor. Hang in there! I am proud of you and your family.

  2. AHHH Amy.. my heart goes out to you. You are amazing!

  3. God knew you needed a cry and he provided a good reason with no harm done.....

    It won't be long now til your sweetheart comes home. I know he is as anxious to return as you are for him to get back. It will be a GREAT reunion. GG

  4. I am laughing, because I AM RIGHT THERE WITH YOU.

    Don't you think it's the end being so close that does it?

    I did a whole year in 2003-2004, and lost it at the end. This time - just a six month deployment - and I'm losing it at the end. Way back when he would go TDY for 2 weeks, it was those last few days that nearly killed me.

    Did you ever see the show Between the Lions on PBS Kids? "Cliff Hanger...hanging from a cliff..." and he says "can't...hold...on...much...longer..." That's me.